Reality Testing, weighing the evidence
This Friday was a new moon in Libra. Libra is the sign of the scales, known for creating balance, harmony, and justice. Libra is also ruled by the planet Venus and loves relationships. So how balanced are you in your relationships? I know I can tell when I am out of sync when suddenly I’m needy, clingy, creating a fight over everything my partner says and crying over it, when moments before I was fine. In those moments I have to have the wherewithal to check myself, “is this my partner’s problem, or my problem?” What is the real source of what’s going on here.
This reminds me of the cognitive technique of reality testing. In reality testing we want to weigh the evidence for and against our conclusions or beliefs. For instance, when my partner is going out with their friends and says we won’t be able to talk on the phone, does this really mean he hates me and doesn’t care about me? Well, let’s weigh the evidence. Did he say he hates me? No. Did he say he doesn’t care about me? No. Well, how did I get my conclusion then? When I heard him say he has other plans I felt insignificant. Oh, those were MY feelings. I am feeling left out. What is the evidence that my conclusions were not correct? When he called he explicitly said he misses me and made efforts to plan the next time we would talk. This seems to demonstrate the opposite of the conclusions I drew when I focused on half of what he said, but didn’t hear the rest of it.
So me, being emotional and out of balance cried, lashed out, and tried to go cold on him to make him feel how I was feeling. I wonder what I could have done differently if in the moment I could stop, and test the validity of my automatic responses. Perhaps I could have said, “I am feeling insignificant because I was really looking forward to connecting with you tonight and now you are going out with your friends instead.” Perhaps in this scenario he could have addressed my feelings and comforted me, giving me the connection I was longing for. In this scenario my own heart and feelings were out of balance, and that resulted in me being unable to hear and process what was being shared with me from a neutral place.
Now that I have recognized this imbalance in myself, what can I do to address it? Besides continuing to reality test when my thoughts are going off the rails. It is time to take a deeper look inside to address those feelings that were coming up, where are they coming from? Could I be ignoring my needs and not expressing them? Perhaps I haven’t been feeling as close to my partner, but because I have not shared this and communicated with them we haven’t had the opportunity to address it. Maybe we aren’t spending enough time connecting and together we need to make a plan to prioritize each other in a way that meets both our needs, allowing time for ourselves, our social lives, as well as keeping the relationship alive and healthy.
With this new moon take a look at your close relationships, be that romantic or platonic. Are they out of balance, are you? Where are you jumping to conclusions and could use some reality testing to bring you back down to earth? With the energy of a new moon we plant the seeds we want to be growing and developing in our lives. We can grow strong, healthy relationships, formed on equity and love. We can foster clear communication, honor our feelings, and express ourselves truthfully to those around us. When you identify an “issue” in your relationship, take the time to first weigh the evidence for and against your conclusions, but second check in and make sure this is a “we” problem and not a “me” problem. Own your stuff, work on your self-love, and develop in harmony. Until next time moonshine!